I really hesitate to write that or even acknowledge it to myself because I am lucky and grateful that I have one at all. It's necessary and it's made certain parts of my family's life infinitely easier. I remember how desperate I was to find one - not just to ease the financial burden but also to prove to myself that I was still employable and still had options. I don't want to take for granted the relief I felt when it was offered to me. That relief still persists.
But it's hard. And disappointing. I didn't want to hate this job, because I almost always hate jobs that I work outside the home. I find working for other people in offices while commuting disheartening and exhausting. I always have. It feels conventional, uncreative and a waste of time. I think that because I'm a snob, or because I'm an artist, or because I'm lazy or because I just really hate being told what to do. Or maybe it's because most jobs are pretty boring and no one really likes them.
I've enjoyed certain jobs, or at least aspects of them, and (except for the past 3 years where I went back to school, then worked from home, then went back to school, then was a Stay at Home Mom to an infant), worked without break since I was 15. I don't think I'm above working a job I don't like even though I need to support myself. But work is so trying. I'm sick of it being a slog. It would be so nice if it was even 15% less painful. If I had just 10% more fun.
I mean, while my job isn't intensely challenging, I'm still learning new skills and honing existing ones, including writing. It's in media production, which is the number one industry I prefer to be working in.
But it's also in adult entertainment and while I'm extremely sex positive, and won't presume to paint the entire business with the same negative brush, I find it all very troubling. I won't enumerate the issues that exist within porn, especially when viewed through a feminist lens, but they are certainly numerous.
So there's that. There's also the drab parking lot, highway and shopping mall that are the only things to look at when I go out for smoke breaks. There's one cafe downstairs for food and the food they make isn't very good at all. The office itself is big and relatively nice. It's modern and has many stylish elements, but it also contains rows and rows of cubicles, which is never anything but depressing. There's no point in looking out windows because all you see is the parking lot.
Sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, often with very little or nothing to do, is hellish. I try to break it up as much as I can but 8 hours is actually a very, very, very long time when you're watching the minutes go by. It's hard not to be melodramatic about it and describe how it quite literally feels like I'm watching myself die under florescent lights for X dollars an hours. It's unreal how depressing that is.
It's not all bad, of course. When I do have work I mostly enjoy it. My coworkers are amiable enough. There's free fresh ground coffee, a huge variety of tea, cake days and free light breakfast 2 days a week, lots of paid time off, flexible hours and no one to admonish me if I leave 15 minutes early here and there.
I know that's much more than many people have. I'm a putz to complain about it. But it's hard to feel like any of it's worth it, or even tolerable, when it means I have to be away from my son 9 hours a day.
I can't even write about that. Detailing how little I see him will break me tonight. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I miss him so fucking much.
But I have no choice, and I do it for him. This job won't mean we'll ever be able to afford a house for him to grow up in, or all the latest fashions, or fancy vacations, or savings funds, or any of those other things people with real well-paying jobs (as opposed to just decently paying) can afford to give their children, but it will give us stability to ALWAYS have clothes and food and some fun things here and there.
I do know this situation isn't permanent. I know things can get better, within this job, with another one or some other variation. Right now though, I've never been so tired.